Why I don't trust...

My Prayer:
Hi God. I have really put this off tonight. Mainly because I don't know what to say. You asked me a pretty specific question last night, why don't I trust you? Well, I have thought about it a lot today. I have always told myself that it isn't that I don't trust you, it's just that I don't trust myself to hear you correctly or accurately all of the time. But, if I am honest with myself, that is a cop out. I tell myself that so that I can make it ok to not trust. I tell myself that because I know I should trust you and when I don't I feel guilty. Instead of dealing with that, I couch it in nice acceptable church language and wiggle my way out. I guess that is over as of tonight.

The question remains, why don't I trust you? I should trust you. You are a good God. You have never done anything but love me and help me. I am alive today only because of you. I am in my right mind only because of you. You have never done or said a single thing that should make me not trust you, so why?

I'm not sure that I know God. I do trust that in the end, everything will work out to my good. That you are in charge. But I also know that I have had to go through a lot of crap over the years. I also know that I have watched people I care about, good people, go through a lot of crap. Maybe it comes back to that age old question, "If you love me how could you let me go through that?" How could you let me be molested, raped, beat, tortured, rejected? How could you allow millions to die in flooding? How can you allow people and land to be consumed in fire? How can you let people lie about me and talk badly about me? How can you let it all happen? If you truly love me and want the best for me, how can you watch it all happen? Doesn't it break your heart? Doesn't it make you want to intervene?

I remember so many days and nights as a little girl praying, begging for you to get me out of it all. Year after year I didn't know what else to do. I tried to run away, but I was so little, I didn't know how to take care of myself. God, you have shown me how to forgive the people who abused me in my life. You are showing me how to forgive myself. I guess I didn't realize until tonight that I need to forgive you. I think that is the root though God. I think it is hard for me to trust you in that day to day way because a part of me is still that little girl, sitting at the lake, hiding, praying and begging you to take me away only to have to go back and face it all for one more day, month or year.

God, I am sorry I have held this against you all this time. God help me to forgive. I love you.

What God said tonight:
Thank you so much for getting that out. It is so past time that we deal with this one and now that it is out in the open, we can take care of it. You are not alone. So many people have these same doubts. Life in this sin riddled world is hard! There is no other way to say it. The things that happen in any one given life can be tragic on so many levels.

I wish I could explain to you in a way that you could fully understand. I was there with you at the lake. I was always with you. I never left you. I would never let you go through anything alone. Now, I can hear your thoughts, that knowing that isn't really much of a comfort. In some ways to know that I am right there and can intervene but don't or don't seem to, can seem even more cruel.

Maybe I can explain it this way, your life is bigger than your tragedies. Your life and purpose are bigger than you. I have a world full of people who are hurting as a result of the sin that runs rampant in the world. I need people who can reach out and help these people to know me and find a better way to live. My people, you, could never reach or help anyone if you never went through anything yourself. But, I was always there. I was always there to make sure that you were strong enough to handle it. That you had my strength to lean on and keep you from permanent damage. There is a reason why so many people who went through the things you did end up not in their right minds and tormented by memories. They did not have me in them to help. You were chosen at such a young age, because I needed to be with you and keep you strong throughout.

I will always be with you. I tell you I will never give you more than you can handle, ever. It was not some coincidence or luck that you survived those years. It is not coincidence or luck that you have such a desire to minister and to help people who are hurting. You have had a plan on your life before you were born.

You ask if it broke my heart, more than you can know. The tears you cried were just the overflow of mine. I hated to see you in such pain, so afraid. I never wanted that for you. But, choices were made by others that led to you being hurt. I can't stop them from making those decisions or the consequences of them, but I can strengthen and help you through it. I can and will bring you through everything that ever comes against you.

You can rely on me. You can trust me. You can know that you will never be so broken that I can't put you back together. Count it all joy sweet daughter. Remember each time I brought you through and know that will always be the outcome of struggle, pain, abuse, torture in your life. It rains on everyone, but I will bring you out and dry you off every time. Come sit by my fire and get warm tonight. I love you.

I hope this helps some tonight. We will continue to talk this out until you have no doubt left. We will work through this together. I promised you I would help you and I ALWAYS keep my promises. ALWAYS. You are precious and amazing and I love everything about you. Come back here tomorrow and we will continue to work this out.