Insecurity...

My prayer:
El Shaddai, God of more than enough.

I'm having an attack of insecurity tonight in just about every area. You know this doesn't happen to me too often, but tonight...well, I just don't know. I don't want to talk too much about it because I know that can make it worse but I'm feeling really inadequate tonight.

You made me and you say I am fearfully and wonderfully made. You have said I am the head and not the tail. You have called me a royal priesthood. You have destined me to succeed. Against all of that, my "feeling" really shouldn't have any weight at all...but...if I'm honest, it does.

Does my life, the things of done, the people I have known really matter? Sometimes I think it would be really great to have a, "It's a Wonderful Life" experience where George gets to see what life would have been like if he hadn't been around. It would help to know that my life made a difference and has had an impact. People tell me it has, but then I wonder are they just trying to be nice and encourage me? Do they really mean it?

Wow, I am really having a little pity party for me tonight huh God. Maybe it's my birthday coming up. I always get reflective around my birthday and the new year. In my head, I know that you have been able to accomplish a lot through me during the last year, but in my heart, I feel like I just don't always have the right stuff.

Argg! I hate listening to myself tonight God! I know that I love you. I know that every good thing in my life, every good thing I have done is a direct result of you. I am making a decision right now to think about that and stop worrying about how I feel. Stop worrying what people think. The only thing that really matters is that you are my Lord, my savior and my father. You are my teacher and my healer. You are everything that I need. I don't need to be much because you are all.

What God said tonight:
Sweet daughter, stop beating up on yourself. Stop it. You deserve to be kinder to yourself. You are so patient with others. You have learned to give others all the space they need to grow and learn. Give yourself that same space.

You are my daughter and I love you right where you are. If you never did another thing in your life, I would not love you any less. Just rest a minute in my love and let it heal you. The world really beat up on you or maybe it was just you beating up on you, but now it's time to heal. Now it's time to rest. It doesn't do you, me or anyone else any good to get stuck in insecurity.

You know that you are my daughter with first son rights. Everything that belongs to Jesus belongs to you. Every promise in my Word belongs to you. Doesn't that show you how much your life is worth? Doesn't' that let you know how much I think of you?

You keep falling in the trap of basing your worth on performance. We have been here before and I am betting we will be here again. You know the answer, stop being a people pleaser and be a God pleaser. Look to me for your worth, not to people, not to what you can or can't accomplish. You will always be able to look at your accomplishments and see the things that you didn't do or didn't do well, if you want to. There will always be someone better, smarter, quicker and prettier for you to compare yourself to, if you want to. Do you want to? Does it do you, me or them any good? No, you know it doesn't.

Look at yourself in my mirror with my eyes. You are the best you I know. I made you unique to be and do exactly what you are being and doing. Do we still have things to do? Do you still have things in yourself to improve? Absolutely! We call that life! And life, as you know, is good.

I love you just as you are. Every freckle and every hair, every smile and every tear, I love you.

The blessing and the cursing...

My Prayer:

Awesome ruler, Mighty God. Thank you for this day. I felt pretty lazy today God. I didn't accomplish what I had planned to but enjoyed being able to relax and spend time with family.

I was just reading in Joshua tonight where you, he and the army of Israel come into the promised land and conquer and kill everyone they run into. Sometimes I fell like that, like I just can't lose. Sometimes I feel like you are so on my side that everything I touch just works. But, other times, it feels like everything I touch falls apart. Everything I try to do just fails.

Usually, I can't tell the difference, what I am doing differently during these two times. I could understand if I was living right and getting blessed or if I was sinning and I was getting cursed. That makes sense. But sometimes, when I know that I am doing things outside of your will, when I know I am sinning, I am still getting blessed. And sometimes, when I am doing everything I know to do to follow your will, it seems like I am cursed and nothing is going right. Not all of the time, but sometimes.

I see similar things in the lives around me and I don't know what to say or how to help. Sometimes, people are really doing all they know to do and their life just seems to be falling apart. I know you have said to just love them, and I do, I am. But, is there anything else. Anything that makes sense out of it all. I like it when things make sense.

I pray God that your magnificent presence be experienced in your church services throughout the world tomorrow. I pray your will be accomplished in each and every service. I pray God for our service at Zyxter. I pray that you show us even more aspects of you. I pray that you show us something new and amazing leaving us in awe. I thank you for surprise annointings and blessings. In Jesus name.

What God said tonight:

Hi my daughter. Your thoughts are somewhat muddled tonight but I think I hear your true question. No, life doesn't always make sense to your rational human brain. If it all made sense, you wouldn't have needed me. If it could all be done by following rules, you would never have needed my son. The law would have been enough.

But sometimes, you need undeserved grace. Sometimes you need blessings when you are messing up the worst to remind you that I am here and I love you. Sometimes you need to miss out on blessings even though you are getting things right to make sure you trust me and not your own obedience. Sometimes I have to hold back those blessings so you remember who the blessings are from. Sometimes I have to hold back the blessings so you strive for even greater levels of intimacy.

So you see, it does all make a certain kind of sense, not a legalistic, law abiding kind of sense, but a love abiding kind of truth. You are tired and should rest for tomorrow but thank you for meeting with me anyway. Your service will be blessed. I am doing a new thing tomorrow that will blow you mind. I love you I love you I love you!